Saturday Night Fever

I think I know what the heck I'm doing and I imagine myself doing what I normally would do on a Saturday night and then.. I don't feel like going and I don't want to leave again. I guess I'm feeling lonely but I don't want to be with people. That seems odd to me. Trying to find things to be grateful for because I feel sorry for myself. Maybe its a statement of contrasts. Who knows .. I don't seem to be able to make any decisions lately. Thanks for looking. You know I was looking at these photos and thinking its not that it's broken as much as what's holding the pieces together. Its the connection that intrigues me.

Another week gone by

I still can't believe that another week is over. I feel like I've been wandering around wondering which road to take. I had an email from someone that I have been writing too about spiritual things and got the impression that he was ending the conversation and for some reason this really poked me and I found myself feeling this avalanche of emotion. I went to bed and cried for what felt like hours. When I awakened in the morning I felt like I had a hangover.. a crying all night feeling hangover. Distance always has a way of reshaping the events or giving one a perspective that emotions seems to cloud. I realized that the emotion was totally not in line with what was happening. So why did that happen? I decided that I was triggered about feeling rejected. God knows I've had plenty of rejection and some felt so deep that it cut to the center of my soul and while I may not be able to put my finger on the exact one rejection that hurt the most, i wonder if it may be collective. The sum of all rejection was experienced at that moment. Maybe I cried a big piece out of my heart so that the next time I might feel this way it won't hurt quite so much. Who knows ..but it certainly clouded my whole week and it makes it difficult to leave the house. So yeah I feel a tad depressed but .. it'll get better. Things change.. so does life. I sure do miss the followers that had commented .. .

Saturday

I got to stay home today... but may have to head out .. I'm trying to extract myself from this strong desire to stay in bed all day. I don't want to go anywhere, today maybe I just need to sleep. I had a good time yesterday with my best friend and her husband but today I just want to stay home. Some days I just want to hide and other days I'm sad because I think no one even knows I'm here. I don't know that it can be both ways. Sometimes I just get to feeling so lonely yet I don't want to be around people .. Its a feeling of contrasts. Kind of like beauty in broken. Doesn't make sense but I love the broken glass photos that I've taken. I want to look at them or do something with them. They move me .. moving is good.

Wednesday

Somewhere between daylight and night air my body succumbed to the virus that was apparently lurking inside my body. I've never been sick as much as I have these past several months. My head hurts and I can't even decide what to do next except perhaps the next thing is going to be sleep. My body hurts, my ears feel funny and my nose is all stuffed up .. aaaaaaccccck!! So life happens and the worst part of it is I don't feel like creating anything, except maybe these words.




I added some more pictures, maybe the words don't flow like they did before. The photos I think speak for me. They have their own meaning.

Monday Monday

Monday Monday, can't trust that day,
Monday Monday, sometimes it just turns out that way
Oh Monday morning, you gave me no warning of what was to be
Oh Monday Monday, how could you leave and not take me.

And so it begins again another week. What will I do to fill the time this week. Tomorrow I will be gone all day and it feels like such an interuption to my week. Sometimes I just want to stay home all week and never go anywhere. And then I remember I can plan to do things and really try to get somewhere. I make things happen if I plan. Then I get distracted or tired or something.
Why am I here?
Sometimes I forget.
I'm going to go outside and shoot broken glass in the rain. Sounds funny doesn't it? I added another photo of broken glass today. I love the texture.

What I did today.

This is a photo of one of my shirts.

Today I spent the better part of the day making art with t-shirts and bleach. I've been doing this for a while now but tomorrow I was going to go downtown and try to sell these. I was going to use the money to pay rent on a space that I have in a gallery where I am not selling any art. haha.. crazy. Now I'm not sure I want to do that. I'm thinking I'll just take the art out. But I guess I could go and try it out and see what happens. Only thing is, if anything sells it has to go into the coffers of the gallery. I won't see a penny of it till the end of the month. What to do what to do........sheesh. If only I could predict the future then I would be set i suppose ..or maybe not.

Beauty In Brokeness

I had to write about the photo here. I was with someone who was working on a car that was wrecked, He was busy, I was bored. He had his camera in the car. I took out the camera and shot a bunch of photos. Then I asked if I could have the broken window. He looked at me a little strangely, that was like five years ago. I still have the window, today I put it up and shot some more photos. I was feeling kinda squishy today so this really helped with distracting me. I took a bunch of photos and I cant quite explain it but I love the randomness of this image of broken. I think about the fact that this window broke as a result of an accident. I wonder what happened to the people in the car. And still I am compelled to look at the pattern of the broken glass. I love this texture, I find beauty in the brokeness. About ten years ago my life broke. Maybe if I look really hard I can find the beauty in it. Its a bit hard to see it. I'm grateful for the moments of joy. Anyway .. I'm broke .. but not broken. I suspect I have alot of texture and I hope the pattern thats seen when I'm seen is interesting. Just another rant.
Tammy