Day 79 and Feeling Transparent

Today is day 79 and I have been feeling rather transparent.. to tired to explain . .. just suffice it to say I am here . you can see me and sometimes i feel like you see right through me ..  ..                                                                                                                 If you would love to own this portrait just email me at www.iwilldream4ever@ao.com/See you tomorrow..

Day 78 and the Shisa Dog

Day seventy eight and this is one of two ceramic dogs that I was given from my mother's home. They are terricotta ... not sure this is my favorite portrait but there is something about these dogs that is appealing. They are part of Okinawan mythology. They put pairs of these on the entrance or gates to their homes to ward off evil spirits. From reading some believe variations of this same thing. They give gender's to the dogs with mouth's open and mouth's closed. I liked where I read that the mouth open was female spreading goodness.  While other's say the female is the one with the mouth closed to keep in the goodness. I guess it is each to his own in how they interpret or were told were their previous loved ones beliefs regarding a Shisa dog. My mother had several of these around her house. I think she really just loved the looks on their faces and that they depicted the culture of a place she lived and loved. Yes my parents lived in Okinawa for a few years after their nest was empty. Yesterday was a long strenuous day and today I will be back at it again and then someone else will step in and sell the contents that is left. There is still so much left.. many items may not have sentimental connections it's just still letting go .. and then there are still the clothes that I am insisting on keeping. I have no idea where I will put them...so ........i'll sigh and go get my boots on and get busy dealing with all that will happen today .. if you happen to take a minute to read this .. send me a thought of strength and love and compassion for myself and my loved ones that are going through this process with me.. we are all impacted by this good bye to stuff and a house .. a beautiful house with a beautiful garden and beautiful plants and a fabulous view..

As for my portraits .. this one is definitely diffferent and I don't really care how realistic it does or doesn't look .. it's where I'm at today.. if you would like to own a shisa dog email me at iwilldream4ever@aol.com. see you tomorrow..

Day 77 and Good Grief

Day 77 and I titled this post good grief because I know that grieving is a process and when you can do it, it's good. But sometimes it just seems to hit you and kick you in the butt. Right now we're in the end stages of closing up the old house that my parents lived in for the last twenty five years or so...it's difficult. Now there is every nook and cranny that has to be cleared out in the house .. NOTHING can be left there and so the reality of it hits hard and all the stuff has to be sold or moved or thrown away .. etc. And there is this sense of anxiety .. should I keep this ? How do I feel about this?

I will be glad when this is over...

It's just difficult.

The face today is a pouty sort of face .. that is how I feel .. sad and pouty. It will get better .. I will survive this load of grief and sadness ...




Send me an email if you would like to own this portrait which is painting on rusted fabric and has stitching on it. Iwilldream4ever@aol.com. See you tomorrow.

Day 76 Still having fun

Today is day seventy six and I just don't feel like thinking about anything really. Yesterday was a strange and stressful day and the best part of it was creating the portrait on the rusted denim and sitting there just mindlessly stitching away .. I do love the practice of stitching and as many of my stitching acquaintances and friends will tell you they find it addicting also.. so I am really enjoying the stitching aspect or adding it to the portraits. It really just reminds me of another project I hope to start after I finish this one. I have too many things that I want to do .. 

So what happened yesterday? My dad likes to mow my lawn, I offer to do it but he has to bring the mower here because I don't have one. Since he's here he likes to mow it. Yesterday was the mowing day and he was bringing me a piece of furniture from my mom and dad's room from the old house .. we left the mower in the front yard because that piece still needed mowing, we went move the furniture, which took about ten minutes. He left the mower by the sidewalk. I noticed dad was a bit winded from moving and removing furniture and so I offered to mow that little piece and he said OK !!! so I went to do it and there was no mower .. someone had carted it off. I noticed that the neighbor was sitting in the front yard across the street and I said did you see someone take the mower? She said "Yes" I said "why didn't you say anything? " she said "i didn't know that he wasn't supposed to take it, I thought it was trash" .. I apologized and told her it wasn't her fault and asked her what the vehicle looked like and she described it and then I looked down the street to the left and saw a vehicle like it driving away from us and asked her if that was it? She said yes that's it.. so yep .. i ran into my house and got my phone and gave chase to this van and I saw it and it turned at a light and then the light turned red .. by the time the light was green .. it was gone .. no where to be seen. I had called the police while I was in the car and told them I would just meet the police back at the house.. and my dad left. HE was not happy but he blamed himself for this ... the mower was still hot. It was not by the curb it was by the sidewalk. I guess if you want to get rid of anything at all just set it outside .. people will take it without even asking for sure if you wanted to get rid of it. The good news is that someone spotted the van later in the day and gave me the license plate .. still haven't heard anything yet. The officer said he would call me either way. Who knows .. so that's the story .. in my everyday life.. what a day. 

If you would like to own today's portrait just email me at iwilldream4ever@aol.com it is the price of the day. This one is about 71/2 x 10. See you tomorrow .. 

Day 75 Mending my heart with Stitches and Tears.

Today is day 75 and woohoooo .. it's not midnight and I'm still tired but .. it's not a torturous attempt to get the portrait done before the clock strikes twelve and I turn into a pumpkin again....

I have done stitching on faces before but I really want to try to combine two things here .. actually three. This is rusted denim that I have painted a portrait on and then I have stitched threads in sashiko style stitching. I really love how this looks .. and so this marks my three fourths of the way through. I have only twenty five days left to paint portraits. It's amazing really that I have gone so far .. and I have learned so much.

A note to my self..... I see you.... .. I hear your heart and I know that you are having a hard time saying goodbye to things.. that held the happiness and love of a mother .. the things that she surrounded herself with to make her happy.

What I notice is that my dad has built a new house with no sign of my mother. His words are there is nothing feminine. He misses my mother, he feels strange in the new house, there is something missing... no longer the touch of his wife. No longer the things surrounding them that she loved. Her energy is not there.. he misses the familiarity of his old home. The sunshine on the river water .. even though he didn't sit and gaze at it.. it was always out the window. I notice that it is never expected all these feelings that he struggles with. He didn't think this would happen. He thought it would make it easier..but he doesn't feel her presence in the new place .. not that things embodied her but that you saw her in the color of the pillows.. you saw her in the arrangement of the art. You saw her in the flower's that sat in every corner,  on tables and over doors and windows.. all of that is gone. I don't think we think about that.. I really don't know for sure what causes these attachments to things that I struggle with my self. We are selling a lot of things .. and I have a looming sense of fear that something will go away that I should have taken .. or that I should not sell.? Where does this come from? I don't know .. it's holding on .. .it's pain. All I can do is cry .. they are just things. They are just things ... I know she is in my heart.. Perhaps that's the mending in this portrait.. Mending my heart with stitches and tears.

I may not part with this portrait either .. but if you would love to own this one send me an email at iwilldream4ever@aol.com. Thanks for stopping over and I'll see you tomorrow.

Day 74 and I'm tired.

Today is day 74 .. and here it is again after midnight .. i'm tired.

This portrait is painted on a piece of rusted and walnut dyed fabric. I am doing a class with Katrina Rodabaugh called Slow Fashion Style. This portrait is stitched onto a piece of rust dyed fabric as a way of combining my love of portraits and stitching. :) I have acquired all of my mom's fabric .. there is a lot. Right now we are doing a garage sale at my mom's house .. while my dad is starting to down size after moving to a new house. I want to keep everything .. I can't keep everything but I still want too .. this is a struggle .

This portrait is about 9 x 11 and .. will have more stitching then what is here .. if you would like to own this portrait just email me at iwilldream4ever@aol.com.

Have a good day .. again I struggle .. but it will get better soon.. See you tomorrow..

Day 73 and My Molly Girl

 Day seventy three and I must like torture because I waited again even though I said i wouldn't. Hmmmm .. tomorrow my plan is to make it the first thing I do. I guess I am making commitments to other people instead of honoring my commitment to my self. I think it's been getting more difficult to find stories to tell which is probably good because now I can just be in the now in the present with what life is presenting to me on a daily basis. This is my Molly girl. She is nearly fourteen years old. I love her very very much. She is a brave girl. When I lived in the woods in SC I would sometimes let her outside on a long leash with her older sister Misty. I have often thought that doing this was somehow wrong given the event's that took place when she was outside. But if I had a fenced back yard the circumstances would have been the same. I would have left them out for a few minutes unattended because they would always love to be outside. I often realized that i was very in tune with my dogs. I knew the sounds of their yelps or cries just like a mother with babies. So . . I can assure you that I was both horrified and worried sick when my Molly brave girl, found a copperhead snake in my yard on two different occasions. The first one she got over quickly the second one. I'd only gone inside for a minute .. but isn't that always the way.. she is a hunter, a miniature dachshund and designed to root out and dig for things. That's what she did. The second time was nearly too much for her .. luckily she was bit on the top of her head with her skull protecting her head and the skin just barely covering this strike hit that spot and she was lucky a second time. Swelling and I think horrible pain. I have found it very hard to feel good about having left her unattended given her nature .. but most times she just dug in the ground hunting for moles or digging up roots and having a blast doing it. About six months after that last snake bite her hair started turning white .. bless her heart. I have often called her a cat with nine lives... she's also had a cutebra larvae in her neck after staying with friends in even deeper woods one summer. Just the same she is a sweet loving dog and has been a wonderfully faithful funny toddler like dog to me .. she will eat anything and gets into everything .. But I have learned to love big .. because of her. I love her immensely and I don't even want to think about not having her even though I know it will happen at some point. So .. her portrait is precious.. .. not sure I can part with this one either ..

But if you want this one write to me at iwilldream4ever@aol.com.. See you tomorrow .. EARLY !!!

Day 72 and Heidi

Well I guess there is a first for everything.. this is about 27 minutes after midnight .. whaaaaa .. But today I went over to help get things ready at my dads house for a sale to empty some of the contents of their home since moving to a new house. So i didn't start first thing this morning and then I was distracted with all the things that I WANTED to do before leaving my house to participate in an art walk in the town where I live. I went to that and after my friend met me there and asked if I wanted to go out after .. i should have said no but I really wanted to go .. So we went to a pizza place and I actually started this painting at the restuarant. I asked Heidi if she would mind being my pizza friend. I decided to leave the previous sentence because this is what happens when you are very tired.. I didn't ask Heidi if she would be my pizza friend I asked her if she would be my model and she said yes and so I started this on a pizza box first. and then  came home and tried to finish it.IT's not my betst work but it iwill be oke fot the  first real miss .. whaaaa .. if you want to own her, email me at iwilldream4ever@aol.com I'm going to bed now .. I hope she likes how I portrayed her.
Ok have a great day!!!

I am back this morning to see what travesty of writing occurred here .. I really can't focus or write worth a beans when I am tired. I said I wouldn't do this anymore but look I did it .. sheesh.  I was talking to my friend Heidi about the daily portrait and said .. hmmm I could start this here and I could maybe ask the waitress if they would mind donating a pizza box to my daily painting effort. So this is the largest portrait of all of them. On the outside of a decorated pizza box. Hopefully my friend Heidi who is very thoughtful and supportive of me an my work will love my interpretation of her .. she is a beautiful soul and a beautiful woman. “I hope you will go out and let stories, that is life, happen to you, and that you will work with these stories... water them with your blood and tears and your laughter till they bloom, till you yourself burst into bloom.” Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype by Clarissa Pinkola Estés
Now I had put this quote on a previous post but it somehow got here when I cut and pasted this edited part of my post.. so I'll just leave it. Because last night there was laughter when life happened in the pizza shop with Heidi and another friend and me. Life is good.